For someone who has spent a lifetime surviving abuse and dealing with CPTSD, choosing yourself can feel like an act of betrayal. The idea of putting your own needs first feels foreign, almost dangerous, like something that would inevitably hurt someone else. After all, when you’ve been conditioned to believe that your worth is tied to how well you meet the needs of others, the thought of prioritizing yourself brings with it a tidal wave of guilt, fear, and self-doubt.
For years, I lived under the weight of this belief—that choosing myself meant that someone else would suffer, that my decisions only had value if they kept the peace or made others happy. Growing up in an environment where love and approval were conditional, I learned to constantly anticipate the needs of others, carefully making choices that would prevent conflict or keep me in their good graces. That mindset didn’t just affect my relationships with others; it created a deep disconnect between me and my own needs. I started to believe that if I put myself first, I was selfish, and worse, I was intentionally hurting others.
The impact of CPTSD (Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) only reinforced this way of thinking. My brain had been wired for survival—to constantly scan for danger, anticipate emotional landmines, and do whatever it took to keep things calm. In that survival mode, my own needs were always last on the list. I’d internalized the idea that my happiness was secondary, that keeping the peace was more important than being at peace with myself.
So, what happens when you start to choose yourself after a lifetime of putting everyone else first? It’s not easy. It’s uncomfortable, even terrifying. It can feel like you’re rewriting your entire identity because, in a way, you are.
The biggest challenge is the guilt. Even the smallest act of self-care—like saying no to something you don’t want to do—can feel like a betrayal. There’s an internal battle where your brain tries to convince you that prioritizing yourself is selfish, that others will be disappointed or hurt, and that you’re doing something wrong. You’ve spent years justifying decisions based on how others feel about them, not how they impact you. Breaking that cycle is hard because it feels like stepping into unknown territory.
There’s also the challenge of recognizing and accepting your needs. After a lifetime of suppressing them, it’s not always easy to identify what you truly want or need. The process of reconnecting with yourself can feel confusing at first, but it’s an essential part of healing. You start by asking yourself questions that you may have never asked before: What do I want? What feels right for me? And then comes the hard part—acting on those answers.
One of the most difficult aspects of this journey is accepting that you don’t need to justify your decisions to anyone. When you’ve spent so long making choices based on how others will react, it feels unnatural to make decisions solely for yourself. But this is where the real growth happens. You begin to understand that your worth isn’t tied to other people’s perceptions or expectations. You deserve to make choices that benefit you, that align with your happiness, and that support your well-being.
Choosing yourself is not selfish; it’s necessary. It’s about reclaiming your autonomy and understanding that you have a right to your own needs and desires. It’s about breaking free from the mindset that your choices must always accommodate others’ feelings at the expense of your own well-being. The people who truly care about you will respect your boundaries, even if it takes time for you to learn how to set them.
It’s important to remember that healing from CPTSD and abuse is a process, not a quick fix. There will be setbacks. There will be moments when you fall back into old patterns, questioning whether you’re allowed to choose yourself. But with every small step, every moment of prioritizing your own needs, you are rewiring your brain to see that you matter. Your needs matter. Your happiness matters.
The journey to choosing yourself is long and filled with challenges, but it’s also incredibly rewarding. It’s the path to self-discovery, to reclaiming your life, and to realizing that you are worthy of peace, joy, and love—on your own terms.
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